Bitten By A Viper

In the late summer of last year, I began to write what I thought was going to be a short fictional story based on a once close relationship with a family member which ended in an unexpected eruption of verbal and emotional abuse, and inevitably ended an unhealthy friendship that caused a shift to occur in our family’s dynamic. But I soon realized it was morphing into something very different and, I was going to have to change tactics. I began to feel like a truth needed to be shared in a way that could not be avoided by turning it into a work of fiction.

Since the following account is a personal tale of challenge and self development taken from My perspective, which involves another who has had significant influence in my adult life and, played a large role in pushing me to stop playing small and start acknowledging and accepting my personal power, I have felt reluctant, even fearful of sharing not only such a personal story about myself, but about this individual as well. Because for as much as this is about me, my shadow and what I experienced during and after this situation, it is also about another individual and how their actions and feelings impacted both of our lives.

This is the beginning of acknowledging how my ego, childhood trauma, and conditioning has held me back from clamming my personal power. It is also the ending of a story about two women who are karmically bound through lifetimes to teach and repeat a pattern in each others lives, until one or the other finally recognizes it and chooses to step outside the cycle and break it for good. I have started and stopped the telling of this multiple times over the course of the last 5 months. Hesitating mostly, out of fear because of what it has brought to the surface and of what could come on the other side of its telling so, here goes nothing!

First let’s go back and establish a little back story.

Connie and I met the summer we both turned nineteen and were living far form the homes of our childhood. We didn’t hit it off right away but soon became the best of buds, bonding unwittingly through the victim stories we were both telling ourselves at the time. We did everything together that summer and seemed to have a lot of the same interests in common, horses, projecting our pain, boys, sex with boys, blaming others for the problems we created in our lives, getting drunk and picking up boys... Like me she didn’t have a sister and she would always say I was like the sisters she never had. I liked this idea because it seemed to make her happy to think of me as family and, it took some of the pressure off of me to mother her and “fix her problems”. After that summer was over, she went back home. We stayed close despite the distance and talked often, seeing each other when we could. One afternoon a few years later after I had moved back home to Alberta Connie called, her and her new boyfriend Brett had found the perfect guy for me, his cousin Tyler.

They had been right he was the perfect guy for me! Nine months into our relationship I packed up my little life, my cat and moved to Saskatchewan to live with him. Connie and I were both excited. Connie most of all, her and Brett had just gotten engaged, and would be getting married that fall. Now we really would be family! What could be better then to have your best friend be your cousin? It was almost like we really would be sisters! The excitement for me at least did not last for long.

As the years progressed my relationship with Connie became strained. I was finding the relationship was becoming increasingly one sided, and each time we spoke or saw each other I would come up against this feeling of jealousy I didn’t understand but knew wasn’t coming form me. Connie took everything personally, and her life was always so full of drama. I started to realize, I was where she went to have the drama she caused validated and to unload her shitty emotions. I started to resent her for this and her jealousy because, I too took everything life threw at me personally and, was looking for someone to validate my drama and take my shitty emotions from me. Connie seemed to only call when there was a problem in her life, or she wanted something from me. This was very draining energetically, so I started to limit my interactions with her. As time went on, we had less and less to do with each other outside of family functions. When she had her children, I made the decision to try and rekindle our friendship, Brett and Tyler were close and I wanted to have a relationship with their kids for Tyler’s sake. At first things went well, we seemed to be finding a stride of mutual respect and enjoyment but slowly, we began to slip back into the old cycle.

During this time in my life, I spiraled into a dark pit of depression I did not understand and felt I could not share what I was going through with others. I began eating poorly or not at all and drinking as a way to “cope” with what I was feeling. My inner turmoil would end up coming out in dysfunctional and unhealthy cries for attention. When I did try awkwardly, and from the stance of victimhood, to reach out and share what I was feeling with Connie, I found she would find a way to ignore or condemn my feeling and turn the conversation back around to her as quickly as possible. I felt she did not care to support me or help me with what I was going through, and only cared to converse with me if it would be of benefit to her. I also began to feel unwelcome in her home and life unless she had been the one to extend the invitation for me to be in it.

Out of this depression I was in and the resentment I felt towards her I would find myself playing the “eye for an eye” game with her, which meant, each time I felt she ignored, judged, or ridiculed me I would find a passive aggressive way to repay her the feelings I was left with. Even though these games would only leave me feeling dirty and smaller than I had prior to playing them, I could not seem to stop myself from doing so. The old feelings of hurt and resentment had resurfaced with a vengeance So, once again I stepped back form our friendship. It was hard enough just dealing with the lack or support I was showing myself and hurtful things I was internalizing let alone feeling all of Connie’s judgements, jealousy, and resentment towards me.

I didn’t understand what I had done to cause her to feel this way about me, nor did I understand that I was telling her it was ok to treat me like her emotional garbage dump, or that I was the one accepting her emotional baggage as my own. I didn’t understand she wasn’t putting it on me, but that I was taking it from her and saying yeah this is perfectly acceptable behavior. All I knew was I did not like the way I was left feeling after engaging with her or how I acted in return. The more distance I put between us the more the resentment I felt towards her and being projected at me grew. And I knew at some point in time she would turn on me, I just didn’t know when it would happen or how to prevent it.

Now to the spring of 2018.

I had learned the day before I was dealing with an ectopic pregnancy and had gone that morning to get a shot of Methotrexate to help my body reabsorb the fetus. I was just getting off the phone with my mother that same evening and was emotionally raw from these unexpected trips to the hospital and from telling her what had been going on in our lives when Connie called. By this time phone calls between us were very few and far between. As I looked at my ringing phone, I contemplated not answering it. I knew Tyler had confided in Brett when a couple weeks prior I had been told I’d had a miscarriage. Now after everything was done and over or, would have been had a normal miscarriage been the case, she was reaching out. I didn’t have the energy to deal with whatever it was she was about to offer, but I answered the phone despite my reluctance to do so. After a quick hello she said Brett told her about the miscarriage, she was sorry and could only imagine what I was going through then asked if I wanted to go riding with her and talk about things. At her acknowledgment of my loss with out me being the one to confide it to her I felt angry. What made her think it was ok to contact me and talk about this when I hadn’t told her what was going on in the first place? All I Could think was, what profit does she think she can get out of this?

From past experience, I knew how things would play out if I went. She would only half listen to what I said, then do her best to sweep the unpleasant conversation and emotions under the rug and dive into what was going on in her life at the first opportunity she found. Or she would ask just enough questions about what happened so she could relay it to her friends and family later, then sweep the unpleasant conversation aside and shift the topic back to her for the rest of the time.

Upset not at her but at the whole situation I was finding myself in and still very much grieving for what had been lost, I replied, actually no. I did not want to go riding with her nor did I want to talk about what had happened. There was a brief pause of dead air before she replied in a tone which told me I had greatly insulted her, that if she was the one this had happened to, she would want to be around her family, she just thought I could use some support or someone to talk to and thought offering to go riding would help get my mind off things. Support?? From Connie!? Yeah right! I replied that I was not her, then apologized for being short and thanked her for extending the invitation, but I did not want to do anything that evening nor talk about things further with her. I got the impression this explanation was not good enough to soothe the insult I had inflicted upon her and, found myself explaining I had just finished telling my parents what had happened, I was emotionally done, very tired and just wanted to be left alone. The conversation ended abruptly, and we hung up. I thought no further on my conversation with Connie and put it from my mind. I had bigger fish to fry then soothing her fragile ego.

Now we come round to the juicy stuff!

That November, everything in my life was starting to feel like it was getting back into balance I was feeling good, my body was feeling good, and my close relationships were feeling good. I was eating better and drinking less, and I felt like I was starting to move past the sorrow of the year’s events. I started to read books on self development, spirituality, and accountability, and was beginning to take responsibility for myself, my emotions and questioning my current belief systems. I was learning about what it really meant to be an empath and how this conditioned ability affected my day-to-day reality. Up until my best friend from childhood moved home and pointed me in a new direction that spring, I had felt being an empath was a great burden I had to bear and which I had absolutely no control over. It was my burden to be inflicted with the painful emotions of others and there was nothing I could do to change this fact. I was meant to suffer through the thing’s others felt.

At this point in time, neither Connie nor Brett would verbally admit their growing dislike of me to my face, but my empath Spidey senses told me this was true. I could feel within myself how little respect Brett and especially his wife Connie had for me these days. Even though I was doing my best to show up in a healthier and more compassionate way, they were treating me like I was still the pre pregnancy version of me, petty, small, easily offended and manipulated. In some ways I still was.

In almost every interaction we had after her phone call in the spring, the energy Connie would send my way was like a hot poker being shoved into the crown of my head, down my throat and into my chest. I did the best I knew how to stay out of the line of fire and not take things so personally but would still find myself getting pulled back into the cycle of drama and resentment anyway. This time though, I was equipped with a few more tools than I had previously, and I found I could sometimes disengage from the drama being offered up.

It was coming around to that time of year when we needed to stock my mare up on hay for the winter. Normally we would ask to borrow a flatbed trailer from Tyler's (now my husband) cousins and generally had no problems. Lately though this was changing, and I could feel there was an increased resentment and hostility being directed specifically at me. Brett and Connie had this unspoken expectation that they needed to see something tangible in return for the favors' they were paying us. It was becoming clear that the gratitude we both shared and the deep appreciation we had for the help they gave was no longer cutting it. I had been taught you helped and shared even if you didn’t want to, not because you were looking to get something back in return but simply because you could. So, this concept of a favor for a favor seemed strange to me. The issue had already been broached once in the past with my husband Tyler, and he quickly shut it down by having a short conversation with his cousin Brett. Everything seemed to have been worked out and the problem was addressed and resolved. I would find out later this was not actually the case.

Typically, I would send my husband to do the task of asking for the trailer, it was his cousin after all, and things seemed to go so much smoother when he was the one the favor was for. This time however, Tyler made me call/text and ask, reasoning that it was my horse and my responsibility to plan it, therefore I should be the one to ask his family member for the favor. Reluctantly, I text Brett and asked. Two days after I text, I received a reply saying yeah sure I could take the trailer, but I would have to rent it, the cost was 150 dollars or 15 bales of hay. In my annoyance at this reply, I told Brett to forget I asked. I felt a little bit of the truth had finally been spoken and it pissed me off. Brett replied right away and said, he didn’t think this was too much to ask to rent the trailer, it wasn’t that he minded or had ever asked for anything in return before, but you know, getting something back, every once in a while, would be nice. I chose to not reply since I was matching the energy I was presented with. Me replying would only result in more drama. I needed to talk to Tyler about this. We decided to rent a trailer instead of dealing with this nonsense and that he would go speck with Brett and get to the bottom of what the problem was later in the week. Tyler never did get the chance to speak with Brett.

One evening later that week I was out at the facility where I board my mare, and I noticed Connie drive in as I was finishing up. She also boarded her horses there in the winter, so I saw her often. I called a hello when I saw her, assuming she would do what she came to do, say hi and leave me be like usual. Boy was I wrong. The text conversation with Brett popped into my head randomly when I saw her, but I thought no more of it until I herd the crunch of her footsteps approaching in the snow. I was mixing up my mares evening grub inside my little feed trailer when Connie appeared in the doorway. “So, I hear your pissed about the trailer.” She said as she stepped inside with me. Aww fuck here we go I thought. I was trapped with no where to go and this was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. Unwittingly matching my vibration to hers, I suddenly felt emotionally constipated, frustrated and defensive. I gave her a look of confused annoyance and told her no, I wasn’t mad at all. Honestly, I wasn’t! I tried to tell her I was however disappointed to have learned this family dynamic was built on the premise of having to pay for a favor to be made, but I did not get far into it nor was I able to efficiently articulate what I was trying to say and was abruptly interrupted by her instantly angry reply.

What ensued next went from accusing both Tyler and I of wrong doing, to a very unexpected and violent verbal assault on my integrity and character.

Now I am not going to go too deep into the “she said, I said” of the situation. And yes, I know that is the most exciting part, because it’s dramatic and makes for a good read, but it is not what is really important. What’s important is the energy and intentions behind the words that were said and the emotions they and the situation as a whole brought to the surface.

As she began her assault, I remembered reading something about not giving your full attention to the person when they lash out in this way and to focus your attention onto something else, so you avoid giving your energy away. As she berated me, I continued to do my evening chores in the hope not having my undivided attention would deflate her attack. When I realized things were only escalating all my conditioning from childhood came flooding back and I began to shake uncontrollably, almost violently.

Connie played all the tricks in the book, everything from, anger, emotional manipulation, insult, and accusation to ultimatums, she even used her own children as bargaining chips in the attempt to get me to admit how in the wrong I was, and what a horrible person I was for making her feel the way she did. I was done my chores by this point and didn’t know what to do. As a child, I'd been taught I had no choice but to stand there and take this kind of abuse, that it was disrespectful to say stop or walk away from someone else’s unhealthy emotional outbursts. I knew from past experience doing so would only make the situation worse for me. So, I just stood there and listened to her tell me all the ways I had hurt her and wronged her family.

I had known she was capable of these kinds of tantrums but being on the end of one of them had completely blindsided me. Her need to spit her pain onto someone else was so intense that it felt like I had been bitten by a viper. She had struck and now I was feeling the venom burning through my blood stream scalding me on the inside. When it found my heart, the pain was so intense it bucked my knees, and it was all I could do to keep myself from falling to the ground sobbing. I stood there shaking head to toe defiant. I would NOT give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

After berating me for what felt like an eternity, Connie realized I would not admit to the wrong doings she wanted me to, so she changed her tactics and dove into telling me what a bad friend I was. She told me heatedly that she had tried and tried and got nothing back in return, and as far as she was concerned our friendship was OVER. She said over as though it should cut me to my core but honestly, all I felt was relief. I was finally free of this obligation I thought to myself, and replied “Connie, our friendship ended 10 years ago when I moved in with Tyler.” Out of fear and the stress of finding myself in this position, I played the victim and said. “I backed off because you always find a way to make me feel like shit.” This silenced her for a moment then she replied that I made her feel the same way. When she said this, I genuinely felt bad because I knew it was the truth, I apologized right then for having made her feel badly. And Connie went silent again. I was not fighting back and had admitted I had acted poorly, but I still was not giving her the reaction she was looking for.

In a tone full of condescending doubt that said she didn’t really believe she could have ever done anything to make me feel bad, she said “Like what? Give me an example.”

When I am confronted with this kind of emotional outburst my gut reaction is to run as far away as possible and hide until the storm has passed, but I freeze in place instead. As usual in the mists of a confrontation my mind went utterly and completely blank, I could think of no examples to give her. I stood there frozen feeling the fool, racking my brain trying to come up with something! I felt so stupid! How could I be this pathetic? Why couldn’t I back my point up? Why couldn’t I think or speak? I couldn’t think of one incident to describe. Had this statement I made really been a lie? Was I truly the shitty friend in this relationship?

In that moment, all I knew was how being around her made me feel, petty, useless and not worth a shit. I finally said, “It’s not anything you do, its how you act towards me.” Even to myself that sounded like a weak defense. I couldn’t give her the examples she was looking for. How did I explain the empath stuff to her!? Then she showed me the truth of who she believed she was. Her eyes narrowed and her face hardened into a look of seething hatred, her attack refreshed, she struck out and bit me again when she thought I was not going to effectively defend myself. As the venom reached my heart, Connie used my recent pregnancy loss and, our phone call in the spring as her last stich effort to make herself the only real victim in this drama I was allowing her to play out. She used my loss, my pain and grief as her burning torch of victimhood.

This is what broke me. The tear dam burst, my knees buckled and all my pain and hers flooded through me. I told her then I was done with her, we were done, and this conversation was done. I turned to get in my truck and leave. As I did so, she grabbed for my arm demanding we were not done here, she wasn’t finished with me. I batted her away and reaffirmed no, we were done and got in the truck. As I started the vehicle, she actually pulled the door open, and I had to tell her no again as I pulled the door out of her hand. She made a second grab for the door, and I hit the lock button and drove away sobbing. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest smashed to pieces, spit on, then crushed into the dirt before being shoved back into place.

Once I was safely home, I let myself break down just a little, not too much because we had company coming in about an hour, and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to pull myself back if I allowed the full force of the emotion I felt out. Through choking sobs I managed to tell Tyler what happened, and through his own anger he did his best to be present for me. After I swallowed the fear and pain this altercation brought to the surface, I jumped in the shower to “wash off” some of the shit I felt was now stuck to me. I was deeply hurt and angry, mostly with myself but felt compassion and understanding too. By now I understood things don’t happen to us, they happen for us, and this had happened for a reason. A lesson needed to be learned and old wounds wanted to be healed. The universe was calling for greater awareness and release I knew. I just didn’t know exactly in what direction to look at the time. I was still too attached to how drama feels to see the situation clearly.

When I came out from my shower Tyler told me I had gotten a text. Assuming it was our guests texting with an ETA I opened my messages, only to find Connie had been the one to text. I read the text out loud to Tyler.

“Look, we never meant to cause issues or a family feud… that’s not what we wanted. Really didn’t think asking for 15 bales was going to cause all this. Brett loves Tyler like a brother, but we have been feeling hurt and taken advantage of for a long time. A thanks or a box of beer goes a long way. Both Brett and I feel hurt the most over excluding us and not having anything to do with our kids. Plain and simple we are hurt and tired of giving and it being one sided, your right we haven’t been friends for a long time but that’s not my doing. I’ve tried. And I’m really not sure how I make you feel like shit but if I have tell me what I have done or said. And if I did, I’m sorry. We just wanted you to know how we have been feeling. We are still family and hopefully we can move past this as a fight was not the point.”

I did not reply to her text. I didn’t have the energy. This was more then a fight and asking for 15 bales had not been the cause of what transpired earlier that night. It was as if she was saying look, I might have messed up, but none of this would have happened if you’d just done what I wanted you to do in the first place. This is still all your fault.

Connie’s inability to regulate her emotions and my unresolved trauma is what caused this inevitable “family feud”. At the time I couldn’t see how my actions and the energy I was putting out had caused this all to happen the way it did. Instead of facing Connie and ending things myself earlier in our relationship, I had run from what I knew was coming because of a deep seeded fear and honestly, I had no idea how to end this unhealthy relationship in a way that would not end in a similar fashion. The programing I had said avoid at all costs anyway you can and that’s exactly what I did until I backed myself into a corner of growth.

That night I could not sleep. I felt sick with worry over what happened. My mind raced in overdrive thinking of all the things that we said to each other, and I waffled between feeling ashamed of myself and angry with her. I could not seem to stop myself from feeling it was very important to address all the points of blame Connie brought up, and I spent most of that night sitting up off and on writing out responses to every topic she brought up. I felt immense pressure to get this all resolved before Christmas rolled around so it wouldn’t ruin the holiday season for her and the family. I knew the four of us had to sit down and nip this thing in the butt before it got out of hand, not realizing it already had.

The following two evening, I went out to spend some time with my mare, at the same time Connie showed up. The moment I saw her I was paralyzed with heart pounding fear. Each time I thought for sure I was in for round two because I had not responded to her yet. It occurred to me that I felt being in her presence was no safe place to be. If I was feeling this level of fear with this great of a distance between us, then sitting across from her would only make it greater. I didn’t want to choke up again. I decided I would write her a letter instead and try to resolve thing, because I had to resolve this, even though it was not really my responsibility to do so and I did not want it, the task had been lain at my feet. I felt at this point speaking to her face to face was not a safe option for me. There was no guarantee she would keep herself emotionally in check.

I sat down the next week resolved to write the most blameless letter I possibly could. Prior to starting, I wrote in my journal “…if they feel blameless and that this whole situation is my fault then I will apologize and apologize and beg forgiveness. But will make sure certain issues are addressed...” This is exactly what the energy I was feeling and my conditioning was telling me I must do to resolve things. It was like the energy was saying you forced Connie into reacting the way she did. If you would have just complied with her will and way of seeing you and the world this never would have happened. You only have yourself to blame for being in this position.

The whole time I was writing I felt no anger or judgement and made no hurtful accusations about either Connie or Brett. I felt it was important to address some of the bigger issues Connie brought to light, because these were what were important to her. I also made sure I pointed out how the roads taken were a hurtful two-way street and there was another side to the story she was attached to. She, and they had done things that were hurtful too. I wrote “We are very disappointed with the way this situation was handled. We were unaware there was a problem until now, and we sorely wish you guys would have come to us sooner so we could have worked this out civilly. We are by no means blameless in this situation but nor does all of this land at our feet.” I addressed the larger issue of the favor for a favor and Tyler insisted I point out that our help and his support were given freely and as often as could be given when it was asked for. I corrected the misconceptions Connie brought up and made sure I admitted fault and apologized many times for the parts we, and I played. “Words spoken in the past have been misconstrued and for that too we are also sorry. As for everything else, all we can say is we are sincerely sorry we ever put you guys in a situation that made you feel unappreciated. All the help that has ever been provided to us when asked has been such a blessing and we are so grateful we have you to turn to. Moving forward we hope our apologies can be accepted…”

I went on to address just Connie and the things she brought up regarding our friendship. I explained to her in the simplest way I could that I tried to be a good friend to her, but I got tired of trying when I realized we only interacted with each other when it suited her. “… I felt there was always this veil of hostility, resentment and inconvenience directed towards me. And because of how hurt and confused this made me feel I began to pull away. I tried harder to reconnect after the kids were born and things seemed to be going well. But then something changed, and I felt that veil of hostility return. I got the impressions my visits were again unwelcome and inconvenient. So, I pulled farther away.” I gave her the examples of situations where she had said or did things which caused me to feel bad about myself like she wanted, including how she handled herself the week before.

I finished the letter, “Five months ago, I was stripped to the bone and forced to take a really long hard look in the mirror. Since then, I have been working on becoming a kinder more forgiving and understanding person. I whole heartedly take responsibility for my bad actions. I did not intend these examples to hurt or offend. You asked so I am giving. I am as much at fault for the failure of this friendship as you are and am truly sorry for the things I have said and done in the past to make you feel less than your best self. I would never expect you to be any different than you are, and I mean this in the kindest and best way possible. After this confrontation I came to the realization this work I’ve been doing did not extend to our relationship so thank you for bringing these this to light. I have been working on letting go of the bad things that have happened in the past as I can no longer allow myself to hold onto them anymore. I am incredibly sorry for all the pain I have ever caused you; I truly hope you can accept my apology. Unfortunately, though bridges have been burned and they are going to take time to repair. Thank you so very much for allowing us all to explore these valuable life lessons, we feel it can only help us grow”.

When I look back on this letter, I see how much of the blame I took on and feel I did not say enough to hold her accountable for her emotions. I was still trying to soother her feelings and please her instead of myself. But I know I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time, and I truly felt grateful this came up when it did despite the hurt I experienced. The universe was saying grow and I wanted to let myself grow.

Despite how good I felt about what I had said in the letter I still felt shameful and guilty for not being able to say these things to Connie’s face. Somehow it felt cowardly and immature. I did my best to put these judgments aside and follow my intuition instead. My gut was telling me this was the right move to make so with trepidation, I mailed the letter and anxiously awaited whatever reply was to come.

In the days that followed the mailing of the letter I went through an inner battle with many ups and downs. There was all this pent-up energy stuck inside of me and I didn’t know how best to channel it. I was at turns raging angry, vengeful, fearful, and stressed then calm but melancholy. When the anger would be at is peak raging white hot and, the nastiest of vindictive thoughts and comments would roll through my mind, I went down to the treadmill and ran as hard and for as long as I possibly could. When the fear and sadness was on me, I would cry and write, and when I felt calm, I would go and work with my horse.

The anger and nasty thoughts plaguing me seemed to have no end. I would catch myself mid judgment or blame and do my best to redirect my thought pattern, only to feel guilty and shameful for not being able to stop the thoughts from rising once again a moment later. Through the anger I felt and all the nasty thoughts cycling through my mind, I knew Connie had only done what she had been taught to do, which was to lash out emotionally at someone she perceived as being weaker than her. That day she could have unloaded her pain on anyone, and I was only a convenient target. Today I understand she was looking for someone, anyone, to acknowledge and validate her pain for her because she didn’t know how to do it herself. And in her attempt to gain the recognition she so desperately sought she ended up doing the very opposite of what she wanted.

One afternoon that week I was running on the treadmill, I thought about running away for a while to collect my thoughts, but I knew running away form this would not make it go away. So, instead of literally running away from my problems, I did my best to metaphorically run into them while I ran in place on the treadmill. I felt like there was more to all of this than what had appeared on the surface, this issue went so much deeper, and I was unsure how to take the plunge into the darkness to face it, or if I even wanted to face it. I felt I had royally fucked things up, and how unfair that feeling was. It made me so angry. I finally admitted how I felt to myself “I’m angry.” I panted as I ran “I’m so fucking angry!”

My mind turned to the conversation I’d had about things with my best friend and recalled her saying to me, “We are all one, all connected. Your pain is her pain and vice versa. Life is all just lessons and growth. Look at how much Connie has sacrificed in this life to help you grow. And her children grow too.” This made me think of what Brian Weiss talks about in his book Messages form the Masters. If, on soul side, we sit down with all the players in our life from start to finish and make agreements with them to have certain things happen at certain times to help push us into the soul growth we desire to have in the life we are planning, did I not agree then with Connie’s soul to have this play out the way it did if I didn’t come to it sooner? Had she not agreed before we lived again to gift me with this life lesson? Then I thought, how many lives have we live with this karma playing out in our lives? How many times have we in some form or another gone through this very same thing? How many times have we been “sisters” destined to push and pull at each other this way? I contemplated these ideas for a while.

Brining myself back to my original thought of running into this “problem” I asked myself, when did something like this last happen? A memory of Heather in high school popped in my head. It was between classes, I saw her walking towards me down the crowded hallway and I made my way towards her to say hi, she saw me and averted her eyes before ducking quickly down the next hall. I had been hurt and confused about her reaction. What had I done? Later in the day, I had a mutual friend go ask what was going on because each time I approached her or made conversation she would leave or ignore me like I wasn’t there. I learned I had allegedly said something cruel about her and had been flabbergasted at the out right lie she had been told or was telling. I had written a letter then as well I recalled, and she had written back. It turned into a huge unnecessary drama between the two of us ending our budding friendship. I remembered my mom telling me many times “Heather is jealous of you. She believed or told the lie so she wouldn’t have to be so near someone who had what she thinks she wants.” I never understood this. Why should she be jealous of me? From my perspective she had a nice life.

Then, I was flooded with painful memories of being bullied in junior high for months on end, and stuck in a conference room in the school’s office with a group of girls who claimed I had said many mean things, some of the claims they made were lies and never left my lips, others were true. I had played the game of gossip and lies with them but hadn’t understood the rules. I lost and ended up the scape goat. They all claimed to be my best friends before I turned on them. The teachers had put the six of us in a room alone to get us to “work things out”. Even though I had apologized for the parts I played and taken responsibility, all this accomplished was to give them the space they needed to tell me in the cruelest and most hurtful ways possible that this was all my fault, I was the only one to blame for the situation we were now all in and when they had asked for truths, I should have lied through my teeth and gone along with all the lies they themselves told.

I asked myself, and what about a time before this? Could I recall another instance? I felt the gap in my memory then. I couldn’t recall a time before being bullied in junior high, but I knew it had to have happened! There was a cycle here in my life looking to be recognized and changed and it had its roots in my early childhood. But I couldn’t see it clearly.

At the age of 7 we reach emotional maturity, which means we do not experience any new emotional development after this age. We do however, experience new ways in which these emotions can be expressed and are given the opportunity to integrate them into our lives. This cycle happens every 7 years for the rest of our lives or, until we recognize the pattern and learn the lesson it has to teach. Connie confronting me the way she did, was this 7-year cycle in my life repeating to give me the opportunity to face a lesson my soul wished to learn and, to integrate the emotions it brought to the surface. In the middle of all the drama I was only understanding a small portion of the picture and, blaming myself and her for the pain it had caused.

I continued to find healthy ways to vent and express what I was feeling as I waited for her reply to my letter. I didn’t have to wait for long.

The next day I received a text from Connie. She expressed their disappointment at me not feeling comfortable talking face to face, but that they understood why. She too was very sorry for how she handled herself “I let my emotions boil over and should have handled my tone and the situation better.” She agreed there were misconceptions that needed to be cleared up and stressed how important family was, she asked I give her the opportunity to explain herself and said it was necessary to take steps to get all four of us to talk face to face. “I think talking face to face is a necessary step to move forward. Families do have disagreements and hardships along the way just like any type of relationship, but it's important to work on it. I appreciate the fact you want to move forward instead of throwing in the towel.”

Reading her words, I felt that overwhelming pressure on me again to resolve this as quickly and neatly as possible so she could return me to my place and role in the family fold. I couldn’t bring myself to respond right away. First off, I was in such a panic that she had contacted me and second, I felt such pressure to reply instantly in a way that would please her. I didn’t feel I had the right words to properly express myself. At that moment in time, I wanted her to leave me the hell alone. I didn’t want to talk to her, I didn’t want to see her, and I wanted noting to do with her. I still felt emotionally raw. I left it for the time being and sat down to meditate.

Later in the day I replied in a text and thanked Connie for her reply and understanding. I explained I needed us to be able to meet from a space of acceptance and understanding and that I was not able to yet, “…I’m still holding onto a lot of misplaced hurt and blame, and it’s not fair to either to you or myself to come into a conversation still feeling this way. I hope you can respect that I need more time to work through the personal issues this situation as shed light on, and understand at the end of the day I truly hold no grudge and am thankful this happened in the way it did. I need more time.”

I had to take a closer look at myself, and confront the part I played in making this all come to fruition before I could sit down with Connie and talk. I wanted to feel into what was really going on and kept asking myself what it was exactly I was refusing to deal with. What was the under lying issue here? I felt like I had committed a great wrong and had allowed Connie’s anger and harsh words to color my own emotions. My self-worth had taken a huge hit and my ego was bruised. I felt afraid of a woman who was my peer and should have been my equal, I felt abused, disrespected, and like I was refusing to hold myself accountable for my past actions and choices.

When Connie replied to my text the tone and energy it brought wasn’t as understanding as before. There was an annoyance behind the words, like she was displeased her first reply had not resulted in the outcome of my compliance. “Well, I’m not happy that things happened the way they did, I wish it would have come out differently. But we did need to get out how we were feeling. I respect that you need more time as I too still have hurt. However, I think it’s important not to leave things unfinished too long as I said there are still misunderstandings that need to be addressed. Take the time you need and let me know when you are ready.”

What my empathic abilities read was, “I needed to air my grievances with you. I’ve done that now get over it and forgive me so that I can feel good about myself and move on to the next thing.” Why did me needing to take more time turn into her thinking I just wasn’t going to deal with any of this? I had to deal with this situation not to appease Connie but to help myself grow! And to show myself I could check my emotions and be the bigger person.

In the weeks that followed I was on a rollercoaster of emotion. I felt in turns like I had all the energy in the world then tired and utterly exhausted. I would find myself placing blame or casting harsh judgments then berating myself for doing so, or saying no that’s not mine, those thoughts and feelings were coming from Connie. And it was becoming a daily struggle to stop myself from wrapping the hot blanket of hatred I had live under for so many years back around my shoulders. It felt like I did not have the recourses or energy I needed to protect myself from the invasive and disrespectful confrontation brought on by Connie and I was angry at her, myself, and the whole situation. Frankly, I was sick and fucking tired of thinking about the bloody woman!

Then there were days I would feel calm and hopeful, and I would meditate or take time way in a quiet place and talk to her soul. I would picture her standing in front of me as I spoke and ask or give forgiveness and, thank her for the sacrifice she made to teach me this valuable life lesson. Sometimes her spirit was receptive to the conversations and sometimes it was not, and I would feel things being thrown back in my face. Other times I felt like I was under attack and being dominated and I did not have the support I needed to get me through this challenge. I wanted to heal and resolve things but didn’t want to acknowledge the repressed aspects of my childhood this was bringing up, nor did I want to accept the responsibility of being the person in my family lineage to heal the ancestral trauma attached to this. I came form a long line of individuals who were abused and victimized and I fought against the burden I knew was mine to bear witness to. I had read Mark Wolynn book It Didn’t Start with You after losing the pregnancy and went back to reference it then.

As I reflected on some of the steps Mark suggests, despite seeing the family pattern of abuse and victimization, I was still missing key points spirit and my higher self were trying to get across to me. I was stuck in self doubt, the pain and belief things would not get better. I felt I was powerless to change my position. Who was I to think I had a right to step into my power and assert myself? Who was I to have integrity or believe I could put myself and my needs above another? Who was I to think I was worthy of forgiveness? And what gave me the right to believe I could safely express myself emotionally? Why did others think it was acceptable to expect me to be accountable for my actions then be unwilling to be accountable for their own? I was not a victim! So why did I let others treat me as though I was?

I realized I had been hugely disrespected that night by Connie. And neither Tyler nor I were shown the respect we deserved when it came to how this issue was approached. It felt like Brett and Connie did not care enough about either Tyler or I to even try to share their feelings in a mature and civil way. Instead, they chose to lash out, project and blame. I understand now they had no choice but to approach things the way they did because, this is what they know. And we can’t do other than what we know unless we are open to learning otherwise. It also occurred to me, respect, or the lack of, was a recurring theme in my relationship with Connie, and it went both ways. I had to admit to myself the truth of how I was treating myself, Brett and Connie. I was not respecting myself and was also showing them a similar disrespect they were showing me. I was mirroring the energy they were projecting outwards. Which means, I was unknowingly throwing their lack of respect for me and themselves back in their faces. But at the same time, they were doing the same for me. This whole thing I thought was about respect, boundaries, and self-worth and the lack of all three.

They say a guide or mentor comes along at exactly the moment we need them, and this is not wrong! The only thing they leave out is in the way that guide, or mentor will appear in our lives. For me it has been through books. One of those guides is a woman by the name of Caroline Myss with her book Anatomy of the Spirit. Caroline is and intuitive healer and, in this book, she talks about how our emotional health directly affects or physical health using the chakra system. In the first chapters she discusses how our lives are structured around power symbols like authority, money, title, beauty, and security. And how the people in our lives and the choices we make are expressions and symbols of our personal power. Caroline goes on to discuss some of the ways we seek to gain power from others to control and direct things in our favor. I came across a line that read “…when the physical talents of another person intimidate us and we either hold negative attitudes about that person or engage in verbal combat, we are attempting to rape that person, to deprave him or her of power…”

A verbal, emotional, or energetic “thought” violation is a form of rape, in the sense that it is inflicted with the intent to strip another of their personal power to boost your own. It is done to control your personal environment and those who reside within it. There are many ways in which we seek to gain power from other people in our lives. And to understand how we do this we need to become conscious of what gives us power and what symbolic and physical relationships we have to those symbols

There was a line in the first chapter that resonated deeply at the time, it read something along the lines of, we can talk with a therapist all we want about what bothers us, but if we are not willing to admit to ourselves what the problem really is no amount of talk will heal the emotional or physical body. In other words, unless you take responsibility for yourself and start holding yourself accountable for your thoughts, actions, and emotions you will remain in a state of suffering that can lead to dis-ease in the body. I gave up my power to food, alcohol, and other people and this kept me in a state of suffering.

The most terrifying thing a person can do for themselves is to start taking responsibility for their emotional and spiritual development. And to start breaking free form the conditioned beliefs preventing them from personal growth. When you learn to reparent and be the things you did not receive as a child it’s a game changer. This book was the best tool I could have asked for during this period in my life and helped give me the confidence to face the challenges I was being presented with. I also helped push me to start contemplating what gave me power, and how these power dynamics played out in my personal relationships. I asked myself, how did I go about gaining power from others?

December had come and the pressure to resolve things before Christmas was still there. But now I felt like it was time to step up and face the music for myself. It was time to come to some sort of resolution with Connie, and to prove to myself I had the strength to face this head on. I owed it to myself even though I still felt angry.

I don’t do well in confrontation and was afraid that if I went in with out having something prepared that I could read in front of me I would choke and end up completely caving to her will. I prepared a short speech to make sure I hit all the points I wanted to hit before reaching out for a face to face. It took me a couple days to work up the courage to text and ask Connie to come over and when I did, she replied right away. The following day we met in my house.

The level of fear I experienced was insane! Again, I found no matter how deeply I breathed I could not stop myself from shaking head to toe, I was already finding it hard to focus on speech and she had just walked through the door. I was so grateful to myself for anticipating my reaction to expressing my feelings and writing something out ahead of time and, for Tyler being home. At least I had some emotional support in the house.

We sat down at the kitchen island, and I admitted I was nervous, I did not do these things often and found them difficult. I noted she seemed to take pleasure in this admittance, like she was happy to have placed me in a position that made me feel fear. I opened by reading what I had wrote and noted the displeasure my words brought both externally and energetically to her.

“Thank you for coming and for giving me the time I needed. I have not been disrespected this way since being bullied in junior high. I was completely blindsided by your actions and did not know how to protect myself. I allowed you to tear my self-worth to shreds and I needed to take time to repair and understand why I let that happen.

I have been thinking a lot about our relationship over the years and I have come to realize there is a recurring theme of mutual disrespect and it culminated with this situation. I can not take back the things I have said and done in the past all I can do is apologize and in the future treat you with more respect. I am sorry you have felt used, hut and unappreciated.

But because of how you chose to handle yourself I no longer trust you and feel a friendship is no longer possible. I can’t trust this won’t happen again. Although I feel this way, we are still family, and my hope is we can move forward into a relationship based on more mutual respect.”

Connie admitted her and Brett were holding grudges for things done in years prior, which Tyler and I both would have though nothing of had roles been reversed. Then Connie said, “You’re right I don’t have much respect for you, and I admit I need to work on that.” I thought, I KNEW IT! Thank you universe for that validation! Connie went on to say she worried about me, and she didn’t understand me, that’s why she couldn’t respect me. Yes, these things were actually said out loud, and to my face. It was kinda funny to hear her say this honestly.

I understood then, Connie felt burdened by the responsibility to care for someone whom she could not understand, who wouldn't fall in line with her own world view. She saw I did not live my life or hold the same set of values and beliefs she did, so she felt she could not understand me, and because she could not understand me, she felt she could not approve of me and therefore, could not show me the respect I was entitled to. I understood Connie better than she understood me. She was giving me a glimpse into who she believed we both were. We both had seen each other as the problem in our lives and taken it upon ourselves to care for the other in our own and very different ways, but because of a lack of healthy boundaries, this brough us both a great deal of disappointment and frustration, not only with ourselves but with each other as well.

I replied “Connie! You don’t have to understand someone to respect them!” She thought about this for a moment and replied, I guess your right. We talked about other things she felt were important to discuss, she cried, and I did my best to tell her I was happy and there was no reason for her to worry about me. It really wasn’t her place to do so anyway. She took ownership of her actions and in true Connie fashion still managed to make excuses for herself and her selfish behavior. There were things in hindsight I should have addressed or not gone along with, but I was still stuck in a place of pleasing others and held the belief pointing out the truth was hurtful, especially when it was a truth the other person was unwilling to see. I ended the conversation by telling her I did not regret how things played out, and that I felt this was exactly the way thigs were supposed to go. I had been sick over this whole situation and was glad to have come to some sort of resolution. Connie admitted to regretting how this went down, but she too was happy to have resolve things, we were still welcome to come for the family Christmas dinner if we wanted to. I told her we had decided to stay home, we were always going all over or had a house full ourselves. A quiet Christmas just the two of us would be nice to experience. We hugged and that was that.

Christmas eve came and we went to Tyler’s parents for a few drinks. When we told his parents we were staying home for Christmas we were met with disapproval. They made it clear this would be unacceptable. Christmas should be spent with family even if you didn’t want to. I was told with different words, I needed to suck this whole thing up and get over it for the sake of the family. Tyler was good about sticking to the plan, but I allowed myself to be manipulated into going over to Brett and Connie’s for dinner the next day. My mother in-law said to me, I would understand once I had kids, “there will be others” and when they were grown and out of the house, I would want them all back for the holidays. Would I want my children to “suck it up” to make someone else happy like we had all been taught? Did I want my children to believe coercion and emotional manipulation were acceptable behaviors to inflict on others or, to have inflicted upon themselves? I was so upset with my in-laws and with myself! It felt like Tyler’s family were unwilling to support or understand our side of things. It felt like they too, wanted to have the whole mess swept under the rug so they could pretend we were all just one big happy family. I felt like people this year were telling me Christmas was about everyone else. What about me? I thought, what about what I wanted?

The next day against my better judgement, I reluctantly “sucked it up” and we went for Christmas dinner. The evening went just as I suspected it would, it was like a band aid over an open wound no one wished to look at. I stayed out of the kitchen a much as I could, and we left as soon as it was appropriate to leave. I’d grinned and beard it and nobody had reacted poorly. This behavior was worth approval and I was returned to the place I belonged within the family fold.

For a short period of time afterwards, I felt relieved, I thought this was going to change the relationship dynamic I had with Connie, but the relief would not last, and I would later come to realize nothing had changed for Connie.

Before I end this post, I would like to say that I do not believe Connie is a bad person, I think she is beautiful and deeply wounded like the rest of us humans are. And like everyone is aspects of both light and shadow, soul and ego. We all live in a constant state of shades of gray where nothing is black and white or clear cut. I could not have learned the things I have about myself if it was not for her influence in my life and for that I am eternally grateful.